OK to slap a wife?

This judge needs a lesson in domestic violence 101.
Below is an excerpt from the Associated Press.

RIYADH (AFP) — A Saudi judge has told a seminar on domestic violence that it is okay for a man to slap his wife for lavish spending, a local newspaper reported on Sunday. Jeddah judge Hamad al-Razine gave the example of overspending to buy a high-end abaya, the head-to toe black shroud Saudi women have to wear in public, as justifying a smack for one's wife, Arab News said. "If a person gives 1,200 riyals (320 dollars) to his wife and she spends 900 riyals (240 dollars) to purchase an abaya from a brand shop, and if her husband slaps her on the face as a reaction to her action, she deserves that punishment," he said. The judge's remarks sparked an outcry at the seminar on the role of judicial and security officials in preventing domestic violence, the paper reported. The seminar was attended by officials as well as activists on domestic violence, including representatives of the National Family Safety Programme.
Razine acknowledged the depth of the problem of domestic violence, until recently not acknowledged as a serious issue in the ultra-conservative Muslim country, where family problems traditionally remained behind closed doors. Saudi women have in the past few years become more vocal about the problem of husbands beating wives and fathers mistreating children.

But Razine said some of the blame must be shouldered by wives for their behaviour. "Nobody puts even a fraction of the blame on them," he said, according to the report

So - the lesson is - even if someone says or does something to make you angry, that does not give you the right to hit, slap, punch or otherwise assault another person. Isn't that what we teach our children every day? I think it is one of the most difficult lessons for kids to learn. As adults, we expect that behavior to be mastered, but its not. This is not specific to this culture only. Unfortunately, almost every culture seems to believe a part of this thinking. We say here in the United States, that domestic violence is unacceptable. We have laws that protect victims of domestic violence. Yet the fact that domestic violence is so prevalent among households in the U.S., among the rich and poor, all races and ethnicities, and in every geographic location, speaks of the opposite belief. The fact is that there are many men who believe they have the right to hit their wife. (And yes there are male victims too). But the fact is that 85-90% of victims are women with male offenders. So it seems to be an accepted way of thinking in the U.S. for many. Research says that 1 out of every 4 women will be abused in their lifetime. That is a disturbing statistic.

I am glad that Saudi women are speaking out against this injustice. And the fact is.... we in the United States need to speak up even more than we have. If you have a story about domestic violence, please tell me. And lets figure out a way to get more of these stories told. So, in the end, all men and women feel safe in their homes and relationships.

And a very strong thank you to the many men who have already lent their voice to this issue. There are more good men in this community than abusive men. And we need them to stand up and speak out against domestic violence.

Find Your Voice!

There were 4 great bands... delicious food... beer, wine and soda... great raffle items.... energy.... singing... dancing... Put it all together and what do you have?

The Find Your Voice Concert benefiting Domestic Violence Center!

Almost 200 people attended the concert to not only raise their voice and awareness of domestic violence - but to raise funds for the programs and services of DVC. All 4 bands donated their music to the event - and all food and drink were donated by restaurants, cafes, wineries and bars in the community. We are fortunate to have such widespread community support! It was fun to see people up dancing - or better yet singing their own rendition of the song being played. We had guests ranging from 18 years old to 70 year old - all swaying to the music at some point during the evening. Thank you to all who attended and supported the concert in some way. We are pleased to announce that we raised more funds this year than last year. And in this economy.... that is an accomplishment in and of itself!

The CAVS are great - but its not what you think

Everybody knows the Cavs are the hottest team in the NBA! Mike Brown just received the "Coach of The Year Award" and many are predicting that Lebron will be the MVP. Cavs games are sold out; the arena is packed even when the team isn't physically present - when fans enthusiastically watch the Cavs on the jumbotron at the Q while the team is out of town! Cleveland is thrilled and the excitement is contagious. So yes - the Cavs are great because of their basketball ability and teamwork. But the Cavs are also great for a reason that does not get in the news like the games do. Those who are not in the limelight and work behind the scenes are pretty incredible. The work they do in the community is amazing. Colleen Garrity, the Cavs Community Relations Director and Carolyn Brown, who heads up the Cavaliers Better Halves, are committed individuals who love to work with people in the community. Carolyn, who is chairing DVC's first annual Charity Ball this Saturday, May 2nd, has done an outstanding job with the Ball! She and Colleen together have secured amazing auction items - namely a flight on the Cavaliers Team Plane to an away game with hotel and game tickets provided. Carolyn has spent numerous hours planning every detail both big and small. At a time when funders are giving less due to the economy, this is just the boost DVC needs! We thank Carolyn - as we are truly grateful. Her community spirit and her generosity is one reason why the Cavaliers are great!

A Resource for Teens

It seems that "everyone" is talking about domestic violence these days. The latest person to try to bring awareness to teen dating violence and abuse is Tyra Banks. She aired a show 3 days ago centering around teens in abusive relationships and offering tips to help others become safe.
Her focus was on helping teens to make positive changes in their lives. In my opinion, many of these discussions are good - if not only for the fact that "dating violence" or "domestic violence" is being acknowledged, recognized and deemed important enough to discuss. Even if I or you do not agree on everything that is being said - at least it is raising awareness of the issue and the message that there is help!

I want to emphasize several resources that Tyra's show mentioned:
The National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline1-866-331-9474 or log on to, loveisrespect.org

Loveisnotabuse.com If you are someone you know are a teen victim of dating abuse, visit Love is Not Abuse for valuable resources.

Domestic Violence Center, Cleveland: Helpline 216-391-HELP or www.domesticviolencecenter.org

A different approach

I came across a new domestic violence ad in the UK that is an awareness tool and part of a campaign. The email introoducing it said:

In the wake of Chris Brown's headline-grabbing altercation with Rihanna earlier this year, domestic violence has become a de rigueur topic of conversation on the U.S. talk show circuit.
The U.K., however, is trying to get the word out in a more viral manner. Cut, an intentionally disturbing new PSA starring Keira Knightley, and put together by the British antidomestic violence charity Women's Aid, was released today.

The link below will bring you to the PSA that is being launched in the UK. I warn you that it is disturbing and graphic. They are taking the approach of showing it, naming it, and talking about it. They are not hiding it - as we do here in the U.S.
http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/b107349_keira_calls_cut_on_domestic_violence.html

What do you think of it? Should the U.S. take an approach like this? Should Cleveland?

WOW - that's all I can say

I experienced "greatness" through many women on Monday and Tuesday evening.

Tuesday evening, I attended the film festival to view Sin by Silence and to moderate the forum afterward. The film festival experience included an outstanding film, an engaged audience, and a panel of diverse experts. I was very impressed. The festival was able to bring in the California film producer, Olivia Klaus, co-producer, Ann Caryn Cleveland, and a woman featured in the film, Brenda Clubine who tells her tragic story and offers a spirit of resilience. The film gave a voice to domestic violence victims, the tragedies, the healing, the activism needed and above all a message of hope! I was absolutely amazed by Brenda and her openness to tell her story with the goal of preventing others from going to prison like she did and offering options for safety. Recently released from prison, Brenda served 26 years for killing her abusive husband. She endured violence and abuse in her relationship; endured a lie in which she was told her son was killed, just to find him well and alive almost 20 years later; endured a justice system 25 years ago that did not acknowledge the battered women's syndrome; endured the experience of being behind bars and the loss of freedom. Yet, she offers a spirit and a message of hope and options to other abused women and to the community at large.

Monday evening, was even more moving when the film was shown to the women in our shelter followed by Brenda speaking to them. There was not a dry eye in the room. Brenda touched the core of their hearts - and I do believe offered hope - as one woman said through her tears, "I want to be where you are today" meaning self-confident, self-reliant, resilient, and making her own choices. Thank you Brenda.

What a wake up call

The Chris Brown and Rihanna domestic violence situation has stirred more conversations about DV than I have heard in a long time. I am glad people are talking about the issue. But I have to say that I am dismayed at WHAT many people are saying. I guess I thought as a society, we have moved further along in our understanding of domestic violence. In the Boston Herald, it is reported that out of 200 teens surveyed, 51% said Chris Brown is responsible for the DV problem and 46% said Rihanna is responsible. I cannot believe that 46% of teens think that the victim is responsible. No matter what anyone does, the offender ALWAYS has a choice to walk away. Chris Brown had the choice to walk away from Rihanna - but he CHOSE not to. IT IS NOT HER FAULT. I am tired of people blaming the victim. Let's start holding the offenders more accountable.

This is a wake up call for all of us - to talk to our kids - and let them know that under no circumstance does anyone have the right to hit them. When they are trying to understand teen dating violence, we need to remind them and hopefully they will be able to see for themselves, that the "offender" could have chosen to walk away - but chose not to. It IS a choice.